Father — Full webinar with Michael Adamedes

0:02Welcome everyone. This is the sixth presentation in the psychological series and in this presentation There are two parts Father and how his personality has affected your personality and the second piece is the masculine archetypes There will be some time for questions at the end of this presentation

0:27So do put your questions up as I'm going through the presentation Also if you want to watch any of my previous presentations you can go to the website Michael at a meadies.com and they're all all available for you to see We just have a little bit of housekeeping make sure you've turned off your phones

0:50Have a notebook or pen handy a glass of water if you need it and we'll be going through till 8 p.m So you just know what's happening if you don't have any of those things that your you need now should chance because I'm about to do a one minute meditation so Let's commend spine straight

1:16head erect eyes gently closed and taking your awareness To the sounds around you the sounds outside of the room any traffic noise people outside

2:07noises within the room awareness the sound of my voice and take your awareness To the sound of your breath and do three really long slow breaths through the nose and as you breathe in

2:53Just feel as they are breathing and fresh clean energy and as you breathe out to just breathing out any tension And allow your shoulders to relax and your body to just Slump a little bit but keep your spine upright and bring your attention back to the screen and

3:39Welcome everyone and this evening we'll be talking about father and father's a big deal It's like mother in the previous presentation is like one of the most significant role models in your life and The significance of a role model increases the younger you are because that's a time when your personality is forming and so the dominant people in your life at that time

4:07I'm gonna have a significant influence in how your personality unfolds So understanding your father understanding what's influenced his life Why he behaves that way will give you an understanding as to why you behave in certain ways and There are situations where people have lost their father then it will be the father figure

4:32It could be the mother farmer broken up and it's a single parent family The mother may be both father and mother or it could be a framed and uncle or grandparent Some people were adopted it could be even the institution or a particular person so father Can be whoever was the dominant masculine role model in your life while you were growing up and

5:00Here is a photo of my father when he was about He's in his mid-20s somewhere. He was born in February 1913 he worked as a tailor but always wanted to be a school teacher. He was very smart and sensitive and quite musical when he was in high school he won a scholarship to go to the mainland and

5:26Look and go to university and become a school teacher He came from a little island in Greece called gust of Lordezo and at that time It was a very you know pristine just thing to Get a scholarship going to university

5:45But his mother wouldn't let him go Because her husband had left him a few years earlier and she couldn't bear to lose him and So he never got to fulfill his ambition to be educated and become a teacher but nevertheless, you know, he trucked along and

6:07became a tailor and And five kids in the family and I was the oldest of those five and so here we are looking at father and how has My father influenced my personality. How has your father influenced your personality? And it and he does it in four ways the first way is the present time relationships

6:31And how am I relating to that actual person and for some of us Our fathers have passed away my father's passed away so that present time relationship is no longer significant But at the time when he was alive, I must say I didn't have the best relationship with my father and more I think from my

6:53Perspective than his perspective in that I just didn't understand him and I didn't appreciate him and I think it was only in retrospect After he passed that I realized you know what a really good guy he is or was and But that was you know my journey The next way in which your father affects you is the wrong modelling effect

7:16So what's your father like as a person and how has his personality impacted on your personality? The third way in which your father influences your personality is the relationship with your mother so how did your father relate with your mother and how Were they together as a couple because this is a significant role model for intimate relationships and the fourth Way that your father affects you is his relationship to the world and I'll discuss each of these four in

7:54Greater detail now so with regard to the present Time relationship with father It can occur in one of three ways the first way we call cut off in that I really don't understand my father I'm disconnected from him

8:14I may on occasion go and visit him, but we're not really getting each other So there's a major disconnect in the way I'm dealing with my father the second way Excuse me is conflict and that is you know where in disagreement with each other there can be at times Arguments we find it difficult to be in each other's presence

8:39At times the conflict can also be You know, I'm expressed and it is Anoint with him, but I just avoid him and I don't really talk very much to him It's a version of being cut off, but there's a bit of aggression behind it

9:01And the third way I can relate to my father is it's called gratitude and gratitude means I'm very grateful to be with my father and In all three I can love my father. I can be loved my father and be cut off from him I can love my father and be in conflict with him, but with gratitude

9:20I love my father and I'm in harmony with him and That's the ideal scenario and with everything. It's a combination of things You know, it's not like you're always cut off or you're always in conflict or you're always in gratitude But there'll be moments when you have all three and ultimately you want to work towards where it's always a situation in gratitude

9:46And when you are in gratitude then there is no Negative impact that your father's relationship is having with you The second way our father affects us is the role modelling effect and that also has Three different ways in which it occurs

10:04The first one is called compliance And that means I've become a clone of my father similar to my father and There are many positives with my father. So you know, there's really it's great to be similar to him But there are also things that can be quite limiting like my father

10:25Had low self-esteem And I can see it on many instances in my life certainly as I was growing up I had low self-esteem and in particular when it came to authority or people who were in What I imagine superior positions to me and so there was a considerable sense of

10:46Lack of self-worth and in that instance. I would say that compliance component was a positive But at the same time my father was gentle and sensitive and said the gentleness and the sensitivity is a positive The second part is rebellion where you try and become in a thing but your father you're trying to be very Different to your father and

11:14At times I interpreted my father's gentleness as weakness and so The way in which I rebuilt was I had a lot of Negagignment around Anyone who was weak and I would attempt to be very assertive and

11:33In that instance I think I pushed too hard and was too assertive so that rebellion component of it Worked against me. So I was still at the effect of his personality But now I was over compensating around certain elements of his personality and the third one is called neutral a neutral means that

11:58I'm not at the effect of Aspects of my father's personality. So I'm neither you know Called up with self-esteem issues or neither am I over compensating and being overly assertive or aggressive but rather I'm in the moment and

12:17Responding according to the situation And this is a journey for in order to understand it and release it. It's it's really a journey of introspection and looking at yourself over some considerable time The third way in which your father can affect you is the relationship with your mother and here

12:43is a Fatter of my father when I think he was almost in his late 20s probably 30 and here's with mum and she's probably 22 23 and it was in 1943 and

12:58They had escaped the Germans and this photo was taken in the street in Gaza Which is now present day Israel at the time it would have been Jordan And there would have been a street photographer saw this couple walking down the street and took a photo of them and

13:15they both of them are well dressed and They're very at full of the time stylish type people and But the relationship my father had with my mother was a very traditional relationship He was the breadwinner she stated her looked after the family

13:33He was the more assertive. She was the more passive and it was a very traditional role model family and The thing with the relationship with mother is you need to understand two important

13:50Instinctual life needs and those two needs The need for connection and the need to stand independent So these needs are two needs in relationship with other people and Yes, we want to belong and be part of something and at the same time

14:09I want to maintain my own sense of independence Now often these two instinctual life needs were not met one or the other may have been met There was a sense of connection a sense of duty loyalty We've got married. We have to stay together but in that process

14:28I have supplemented my identity All there is this need for my identity and I fight for my independence And although I may remain in the relationship I am still an independent person and there is no real connection

14:45So the ideal is to have the best of both to have the connection and the loving and also that sense of individuality and being authentic and Knowing who you are that's a big call. It's not a simple thing and for many people it didn't occur and so how are these two opposite needs handled most of the time they were not handled?

15:11And so firstly it could come up as marital conflict There would be a power struggle they'd be fighting for each other a typical power struggle would be dead Took control of the finances and mum withdrew the sex and so that could be a fight this way a fight for personalities where you know don't tell me what to do and there could be a lot of marital conflict

15:40The second one is addiction to addiction or physical illness So the stress of not fulfilling your your fundamental need of connection and independence Means that the stress needs to be suppressed so that would be addiction So the way in which the addiction normally comes up is through say alcohol or prescription medication people or illicit drugs

16:11And as far as physical illness then someone doesn't go into being Addicted but they will have illness and be sick all the time from the perspective of my mother She was always sick, always tired always having headaches because she just was basically unhappy And had five kids was living in the country that she couldn't relate to was considered to be second class

16:39Couldn't really communicate and it was very very disconnected from everything very lonely So for the poor thing There was a lot of pain and illness and the way my father managed that was to just work hard It just went out there and worked and worked and worked and worked and worked and worked and

16:59It could say a work a hollock or something to that effect but work he worked hard and That was the way in which they Sublimated their unhappiness and The third way is triangulated child or identifying patient so that means

17:19That someone in the family one of the children will take on the stress of the family of the stress of mum and dad And it will manifest as a physical ailment typical physical ailments things like asthma and And And diabecis and things like that particularly in children. There are other causes

17:42I'm not saying that everyone who has asthma is it's to do with Issues with mum and dad, but it would be something I would be looking at Just to cover all basis Or identified patient means someone else is considered to be more important

18:02It could be an in-law. It could be mum's mother has a heart condition We can't break up because if we break up She just couldn't stand the stress of the breakup and she would die and so we're going to stay in this relationship In order for mum to be okay

18:21And so someone else is made more important or the triangulated child can also be we will stay in the relationship For the benefit of the children. We're not here because this is where we want to be and this is where we find true love But we will stay here out of the sense of duty Now there's pros and cons to everything and you know having your parents there

18:46Looking after you is a positive but having your parents unhappy is a major negative and it depends On the degree of unhappiness and how this Manifest it as to whether it was a good thing to stay in the relationship for the children the

19:05fourth way is Really It's called the empowered relationship interdependent here The needs are being met the connection and independence is happening and this is a relationship

19:19That is working where there is a sense of love and being together and there's a sense of being independent and being able to Go and be your own person and that is the ideal scenario. I do courses In relationships and we talk about this independent Relationship and so maybe you will do one of those courses in the future. It's called

19:47Creating loving relationships and the fourth way in which your father's personality affects you is his relationship The world and in relationship to the world what we mean here his relationship to work His relationship to institutions both government and private which would be You know

20:10The tax department the police the education department things like the banks private institutions and also you know Legal solicitors and things like this how did he relate to those sort of things and also In which your father related to money and so Your father's relationship to money will have a major impact on your ability to manifest

20:39money into your life a Form a friend of mine Robert Kiyosaki has written a book called rich dad poor dad and he talks about The way in which fathers who are wealthy unconsciously pass on to their children the

20:58Adictions of wealth and the ways in which to deal with wealth and so the general rule is Rich people come from rich parents and but this can be changed by understanding it so How did my father relate to money? Well from my father's perspective The way he related to money was that there was never enough and it was always difficult and scarce and in order to have money

21:27You had to work really hard Plus he had a lot of negative attitudes about money which would that the people who got money easily must have had somehow Done it in a way that was Illegal or predatory

21:45But it would never be a normal healthy way because the anyway you could make money was by working hard And that was one of his limitations and for a period of time one of my limitations around the manifestation of wealth and You you get caught up in the patents of belief that your father has and so

22:10the General rule around the relationship to the world is That an unresolved issue with your father Affect your ability to claim your own authority so which your own authority around work

22:28Your own authority towards institutions your own authority towards money so it's your ability to be Able to make it work for you to be in a career that you find fulfilling and also

22:46financially Successful you're able to deal with government institutions and private institutions and you feel Okay, you don't feel as though you're being taken advantage of or that you have to give your power away to them And also you claim your authority around your ability to manifest money so these

23:11Some of the most significant ways in which your father affects your personality. Now. Here's another photo of my father When he was 67 years ago by age This is about a year into his retirement and as I said a very gentle sensitive

23:35person and In many ways I was blessed to have him as my father the Our next part I want to talk about is

23:46masculine archetypes and the concept of masculine archetypes has come from Carl Gustaf Yorn who is a contemporary of Freud and Freud was the father of modern-sight Collegey and

24:05Yorn was one of his students and I believe he he took the study of psychology as step further and he He looked at this concept of archetypes and he tried to understand what defines a man what what does it mean to be a man and

24:25He really couldn't find any answers from traditional European sort of models and he had to step outside of that and he looked at pre-Christian Europe and he was looking at Indigenous societies in Africa and in South America and in the Pacific and also was looking at

24:49archetypes in India and coming from that he Kind of worked out a model similar to this. This is my adaptation of Yorn's masculine archetypes and there's basically four parts to it. The first is the artist lover. This is when

25:09a man is a teenager in an traditional societies once a boy reached about 16 he would be considered, you know, a man and this is the time when he'd be very interested in girls and this is also the time when he'd be looking at creative pursuits in modern, say, western world today

25:34a lot of teenage boys would be looking at IT and music and, you know, games, computer games and also motorbikes and cars and things like this and so there would be a creative side and then as he grew up and met the girl and got married and had children he would be seen as the warrior worker.

26:07He would be out there protecting his family, going and providing for his family and this would be the space he occupied and then over some period of time over a number of years and through life experience here we'd develop to become hopefully wise and become a wise man and this wise man in a traditional society would be seen as the mystic or the healer, the shaman or the medicine man

26:38and or the doctor and they would bring this knowledge to help the tribe so everyone would have a wisdom to a wise man component to them maybe not necessarily shamanic or healing but they would have wisdom about the world, the wisdom of what it was like to be a man and the journey of being a man and going from a teenager to a 20 year old to a 30 year old having family having a wife and

27:06understanding the challenges that came and then if he progressed in his knowledge and understanding he would then move to the fourth stage which would be called a king and the leader and this would be a leader of his family, a leader of his tribe, a king of his tribe or his community and so men would have these traits and it would be quite common in a person's life, a man's life to progress

27:38through these various archetypes but what occurred in English society and I talk about English society because I was born in Australia and I'm familiar with English history was a significant historical event took place between 54 to 47 BC and it was at this time that the Romans invaded Britain, it was the Roman invasion of Britain and when you think of the Romans these two illustrations

28:14will give you an idea here are the Britons which are in in a sense indigenous people of present day England and the Romans were this military machine and they were trained and they were very disciplined and there's a very few of the indigenous tribes could resist their military might and they would come in and basically they came and conquered England over a period

28:48or Britain over a period of about a hundred years and it was for the glory of Rome and it was two gay and territory resources in 10 and forest in timber slaves and to be able to you know expand their empire and build wealth and prestige but when we think of the early Britons you can look at the Celtic and what would they like the Celtic social system the Celtic social ranking was based on

29:24personal merits so if a king was incapable of joining a battle because of some physical illness then he could no longer be king it wasn't as if he was king because of birth or you know divine right of kings it's been given to him by God it's because of merit and likewise if a farmer could no longer pay or do as he was supposed to then he could lose his land and his rights

29:50and the head of the state of the kingdom or tribe was an elected official and any person who had an untainted track record and credibility, incredible personal merits on both civilian and military affairs were eligible for this position so it was a society that was a little bit more democratic of a society that was a little bit more open and people could rise according to merit and people

30:20had to a responsibility but when the Romans came it was very much a hierarchical system and it was a system of it later up above and do as you told and work your way all the way down and there were slaves and there were people there who were owned and used and so when we look at the masculine archetypes on the perspective of the Romans they would be only working to enhance certain characteristics

30:55that supported their needs and to discourage other characteristics that were working against them so for instance the artist love it there'd be certain aspects of that they would encourage they would want artisans and craftsmen so that the element of it would be encouraged but for people to spend too much time just playing games so to speak or you know hunting around and playing around

31:24with women it wouldn't work because it would be a waste of resources a waste of time they may do it themselves but they would never allow this to go to people to do it and so they would discourage a lot of that so as soon as a man got to 16 or 17 let's hurry up and get married it let's not mike around you're not here to sew your oats and but the warrior work up absolutely we

31:51want them because they're either going to be troops that are going to go out and fight for us or they're going to be in the fields telling the earth and growing crops and so they're productive we're going to make money out of them. Domestic healer you crucified them you denounced them their heretics you burn them at the stake you even demonize the knowledge that has been irrational and

32:19something that is demonic and so the whole mystic healer, sycollet, not sycoids but the the mystical side has been just completely demonized and shut down and so any truth around the metaphysical has been lost because the metaphysical gave those people an authority that could counter the authority of the Romans to counter the temporal authority of the Romans so

33:01the mystic healers could say God spoke to me and said no this was wrong well there's no way we can allow that to happen and any voices or any communication from somewhere else was immediately seen as voices of the devil and something that was wrong purely mind control to be able to stop dissent the king leader it depended on the king if the king collaborated with the conquerors

33:31and became a vessel of the conquerors then he would be given rights and land and allowed to stay but if the king resisted and wanted freedom then he would be annihilated not only would the king be annihilated his entire family and all his immediate close relatives would be killed because they couldn't have anyone that might make a claim to the throne and lead or rebellion

33:59sometime in the future and so the masculine archetype was deliberately done down and so from the perspective of the Romans and the way in which the masculine archetype evolved through the English people and English speaking people was that the warrior worker was seemed to be the way to go and everything else was trivialized it's a waste of time if you're an

34:34and you want well you're not going to make money out of that if you're a mystic healer oh well you're fantasy land where are we talking about a king lawyer a warrior that's you know you're out you know stay in your class this you know understand who you are this company you what's expected of you is work hard do as you're told be obedient and loyal and be strong and have no feelings

35:01and so this is what happened to the masculine archetype so we've defined men to be these kind of roots in some way as hard-working obedient loyal strong no feelings but this has been a wound and our fathers are carry the legacy of this wounding and it's continued for at more than a couple thousand years we are only now starting to get out of it and the way we've escaped it is through

35:32the empowerment of women and that really only took place significantly in the western world as of the 1970s has been a long journey with the suffragettes from the turn of the 20th century and they have done some amazing brownwood but it didn't really start to bear fruit until the the 70s and then the women's live movement and women being able to claim their authority their

36:04financial authority and be independent and think for themselves and have education and all these things meet we had empowered women and as a consequence of empowered women we had empowered mothers and because we had empowered mothers we had empowered sons and daughters but the empowerment of mother has met the empowerment of the children and so we have started to break down this

36:31very exterior, typical understanding of what it means to be a man and we get these metrosexual men with a lot more feeling and a lot more open a lot more creative and that is really a healing to the masculine archetype there was a second winding to the masculine archetype yes this invasion and enslavement by the Romans but the second one was another historical event that took

37:00place between about 1760 and 1970 and in fact some people say it's continuing now and this was the industrial revolution and the industrial revolution was a process of change from an agrarian handcraft economy to one that was dominated by industry and machine manufacturing and that was a major revolution and advanced in human economy but there was a huge social price to pay and we're still

37:38paying that social price and the industrial revolution initially began in England in the 18th century 1760 approximately and at that time they're leaving the farms and they were working in these dingy factory places but here is an illustration of the second phase of the industrial revolution which actually took place from about 1900 and this is a photo of an assembly line of the Ford

38:11motor company and they're assembling the model to eat forward and the factory is clean it's organized and people are working and this would be more akin to the type of factories or the type of work situations that maybe our farmers may have worked in whereas today we'd be working in offices and IT and computers that be a very different sort of thing but the major

38:43winding that took place with the industrial revolution was that we lost our fathers what happened was for the first time in human history fathers left their families to go somewhere to work that never happened before yes you might get in a hunting gathering community the other might go out for a couple of days hunting for some sort of animal and bringing it back but

39:09that would be an odd occasion most of the time they're hanging around the place they're working they're fixing whatever they're doing you know in the agrarian society they would have a plot of land and then the whole family would go 300 or 400 meters or a kilometer away and then plant the ground or they'd be taking care of goats or sheep but they'd be doing it as a family and they'd

39:35have certain tasks different members of the family we're doing and it would be quite common at lunch time everyone would stop together or they go back to the house and eat but the farmer was still part of the family the family was working together and so they'd be there in planting time they'd be there in harvest time and they'd be in a lot of free time and everyone'd be sitting around together

40:00so the farmer was part of the family we didn't lose father the way we lost father in the industrial revolution it's like father would get up early in the morning leave be gone for the majority of the day and come back you'd be lucky to see father late at night or early in the morning and that would be a six-day-a-week affair and it would only be on a sunday that father would be part of the family

40:27so the wounding of the masculine was significant in that father was no longer a part of the family we lost our fathers we see industrial revolution so there were three major woundings to the masculine archetype the first one was men were owned by other men you know they became enslaved do they work slaves to begin with their peasants and then workers and so this had a massive impact

41:01on self-esteem self-worth and value and so men were seen to be inferior or superior to others and so that would play out in the way father would treat his wife in particular and in turn possibly his children there would be a real hierarchical order but this was because he in turn was owned it was like just passing it the pain down the pecking order and ultimately his innocence

41:34and then men lost their ability to feel because in order to survive in the situations they were placed in they had to disconnect from their feelings or they would become neurotic or too sensitive or incapable of working and they would be seen to be weak or cowards or too feminine and so that feminine component which enabled them to be sensitive and feeling got lost and then the

42:04was our fathers weren't even there a lot of the time we didn't even know who our fathers were because they were absent from the family I can say that as far as present day fathering is concerned it's very different I would say that we have probably the best generation of fathers for a long time and fathers really are more present more feeling and are more connected to their families but

42:35we still have further to go with it but this is present day fathers whereas if i'm looking at my father my father was very much a victim of the circumstances he was born into and his kind and his caring and his loving as he was he couldn't rise above that conditioning and it's only with the knowledge that we have now that we're able to start breaking that conditioning down

43:05and so this information that I'm presenting is part of that process of lifting us all out of the destiny or the conditioning we were born into to enable us to fulfill our potentials as human beings and our fathers are to be honored at the same time understood as victims to circumstances under which they had no control and most of the time loved and did the best they could for their families

43:46and so father is a big deal and most fathers really have done their absolute best and were victims to a system and a way of mind conditioning that they had no control of couldn't even understand that a conditioning existed and it would just be seen as normal and this is how life is so as you know as a tribute to my father and as a tribute to other fathers I hope we can learn to

44:27understand our fathers and transcend the massive burden that had to carry and so that we can free ourselves and then turn free our children so enough of that the next webinar is from seven a cocktail to cock choose they the 14th of July and it's going to be about forgiveness and if you give this is another big deal it's about freeing myself I forgive not to make it easy for other

45:02people I ultimately forgive to free myself to make it easy for me and if you want to watch that webinar just register at Michaelatamedes.com also if you want to watch any previous webinars go to Michaelatamedes.com you'll find them there and this particular webinar that was presented now will be posted tomorrow evening and in a moment I'm going to answer some questions

45:33also I'd like to thank Radion for the production marketing and web design tremendous amount of work that goes on behind the scenes if you have any technical questions regarding the getting online or finding anything contact Radion it's at radion website dot org and heck of answer your questions if you need any support in doing these sort of things talk to Radion

46:03his great even though I've been non-stop chatting away in your everyday life do remember breathe through the nose to bring you back into prison time awareness doesn't matter what you think about things ultimately everything will work out everything's going to be okay breathe through your nose and just keep leaving go of any anxiety that you may or may not feel so without further ado moving on to

46:45questions I will just stop sharing this part of the screen and go to the section on questions and begin to talk to you here we go I've got one question at the moment let me get it out I carry here it is he says oh she says I carry my father's insecurity I'm not smart enough how do I move past this the way you do that is by choosing to not believe it you just have to say I believe in

47:21myself I believe in myself the fact that you carry your father's insecurity yes that's true but if you can carry that insecurity but it doesn't have to a limit you or affect you you know I can be afraid but I don't have to be afraid of being afraid and even if I am afraid I can still take action and go towards what I need to so you can still have that pattern but you can choose to

47:48say I don't want to believe that and then just act as though you are okay initially it'll feel like I'm faking it this isn't really working what am I talking about but it's a chipping away process it's a melting of an ice food you shine the sunlight on the ice and the ice will start to melt if you have this belief I've not been smart enough and you continue to work the opposite way

48:16that I am smart enough I do believe in myself I can do it this is okay my father's insecurity was his insecurity it's not my insecurity I could say I am my father's son but I am not my father I do carry aspects of my father's insecurity but they're not my insecurities and so you make a deliberate conscious focused effort and you will resolve it thank you for the question the next one is

48:48can each of these archetypes co-exist within Mitchell men they are not mutually exclusive right yes that's correct the archetypes can be thought of as a tree you know you all have one the first year the initial whatever it is stem that's coming up and then the next year there will be a ring and then the following year another ring so the archetypes actually all are there and they all build

49:13on top of each other so it's not as if one archetype replaces another it really is one archetype is built on top of another and that previous archetype is still there as well and so you can be you know a lover creative as well as a warrior and a workout and you can also be the mystic healer and you can be a leader and you can be all of those simultaneously yes it exists within us all

49:42thank you Julie and how do I build a rapport with him when he seems to want to put me down verbally that's tough that's tough because if you think he's trying to put you down verbally you just have to do you best to ignore it and then you have to understand what's he really trying to do he's really maybe trying to assert his authority he's really trying to say you know I'm the boss

50:10and I need to be listened to he's probably you and he have probably set up this very competitive sort of relationship where you are rebuking him pushing him away and he is now responding by trying to overpower you he's really asking you listen to me believe in me hear me that's what he's trying to do but he's not doing it in a very elegant way and he's actually doing it in a

50:45private negative way so the thing you have to do is not buy into the fact that he's putting you down and just try and be a friend even try and be a friend it's really asking you to step up to the next level it's not an easy thing Julian but that's the process and if you can unhook yourself from his verbal putdowns you you'll be surprised how quickly you can turn and suddenly

51:19someone who was someone who's getting a hard time can become one of your best friends another question my father has the same beliefs around money as yours how did you overcome it to manifest money or that's a big thing look yeah my father thought it was really hard what I what I had to do was just keep going for it and just keep looking for opportunities and just believing in

51:49myself and eventually it shifted that's a very big question but again you just have to say you know watch your thinking you know I used to have this thought that money was hard to get and then there's something clicked and I realized that money is easy to get and then I had this thought about there's not enough money and no there was always enough money and then I had beliefs about

52:18you could only get money if you worked for it no money can be given to you you'll be surprised like money comes easily yes you still need to have a plan you still need to have a structure you still need to work for it but if something shifts in you suddenly it all flows and what people say will like or you're lucky but I'm not lucky I'm just open and I'm not running negative patterns

52:48that are deflecting opportunities or flow towards me and that's just being a focused effort and over a period of time read the book by Robert Kia saki rich dad Paul dad that's a good way to go another question I'm fulfilling by Maggie I'm fulfilling father's dream workwise not my own brother too I have had a constant struggle for identity I find it hard to know what I want for myself

53:21that's a tricky question you some you there's it's a tricky question Maggie it's just sometimes the work that you're doing may be more in alignment with your dream than you imagine and so it may be just tweaking it so that it's different if you're doing that and your brother's doing that there's got to be something that actually is akin to your underlying need as a person your struggle for identity yeah I

53:57get that that's something about you know stepping out of the shadow of your mother or your father and it's hard to know what I want for myself that's a difficult one sometimes you just have to throw yourself into self education and start to look at other opportunities if sometimes it's hard to know what you want for yourself unless you try a number of different things

54:28and one of the ways we find out what we want is by finding out what we don't want and it starts to narrow down the field and then I'm looking around at people that I can relate to and then what works to them and that may be a clue this is a big question it's one of those things that maybe you and I at some other time would need to just talk personally to drill down and see how

54:56it could be but I would just self education look at other people that are role models and possibly get an idea from there and none of us attend me my father has the same many beliefs as your father had I've got that one of the answer that one I for a high Michael thanks for the make thanks for this makes me appreciate my father thanks John I forgot the wisdom good intentions and

55:27understanding I have been learning when verbally insulted by my father then I'm triggered to defend myself how do I move past this every effort so far is still over shadowing so currently I can only avoid him to feel good about myself what else can I do I think you've got to kind of understand him you kind of think why is he verbally insulting you what or firstly you know how much of an insult

55:54is it and how much how sensitive are you being a bit too sensitive around it but let's assume he is really verbally insulting you then you've got to say when you know what's going on with him why would he be doing this to his child you know why would he be doing this to someone he should love there's got to be something out of balance if he's doing this to you that it was done to him

56:18it was probably done to him by his father he's probably passing the plane that he got from his father on to you and so the more you can understand the motivations for him behaving in this way and the more you can understand why he has this personality the less you'll be affected by his behavior because you won't just see the external effect you'll be able to see behind it and you'll

56:46realize that his behavior is a symptom of something that's occurring in him and if he's verbally assaulting you it's a deep winding him why would you want to work verbally assault the you know the child the person that loves you you know and maybe he needs to be met you know someone's just dropped the suggestion he needs to be met he's feeling maybe you're rejecting him you know

57:15what are you doing to him but you don't recognize there would be a whole lot of stuff you know there's a game going on between the two of you but again you're going to avoid him to feel good about it look I would say he doesn't like himself I would say that's what you dad's going on about and he's just projecting his pain on to you and he's been very deeply wounded most likely

57:44by his own father that would be the major issue but you've got to understand it more that's the secret so look I'm pretty well at the end of the questions unless there's any other question yet he's another one someone saying a high michael can you talk about marital conflict in a parent's relationship they love to hate each other how can you support

58:12your father without signing completely and perpetuating hate more look it's really hard in a relationship both parties are equally responsible you can't have a problem in a relationship unless both parties are contributing to it and so regardless of if mum looks as though she's the victim there's justified in her reactions there will be something that she's put into the mix

58:45that's created that so the thing to understand is both parties are equally responsible and the hard thing for children is to remain neutral in a marital conflict because one or other other of the parents will try and use that child as an ally against the other other parent and say you've got to stay out of that and the other thing that happens is children

59:13have a tendency to try and heal their parents try and fix their parents' relationship and their parents' relationship is their relationship and they have to work it out and you can't take sides exactly and all you can say is I love your mum, I love your dad and really you've got to work it out and obviously if one party is being physically aggressive then that's definitely a

59:42no-no if they're being verbally aggressive well then that's their issue that they have to work out and but it's very hard to not get drawn into mother's story particularly if father is being very advert and very aggressive in his behaviour but mum will be covered and she'll be carrying on her start behind the scenes and most of the time you may not see it you just have to declare it

60:12you just have to tell them you know I love your both and I can't take sides you know you guys have better work it out and the story so thank you very much thank you for watching thank you for being part of it I hope you'll join me in a couple of weeks on forgiveness and you're more than welcome to invite anyone else who may be interested in this seminar series so thank you for your time and

60:42catch up with you guys another time all the best and thanks guys for the thanks and the messages appreciate it bye