- Value Yourself
- Go For It
- Take It Slow
- Acceptance of the Other Person as They Are
- You are Responsible for your Feelings
- When To Compromise and When not to Compromise
- Create Personal Rituals
Even though many people want a partner, often they don’t believe that it is possible for them. For the next minute or so allow yourself to play an imagining game. Declare out aloud “I am now attracting into my life the right person for me.” Imagine that the right person has already come into your life. Imagine that they are with you right now. Feel them. Imagine how you would feel if you were with them right now. Breathe them into you. Smell them. Be totally focused, completely consumed by the belief and feeling that this person is out there and coming to you. This is not rational, do not go into thinking about what is possible or reasonable, just do it.
We manifest with our feelings not our thoughts. When my son was four years old sometimes when we were shopping he would see something he wanted and if he didn’t get it would demand it and be wilful until he got it. It didn’t work every time, but it did work often. He didn’t think if this was reasonable, fair or if he deserved it, he just wanted it and went for it. The times when it didn’t work for him were when I thought it wasn’t good for him. Having a loving partner in your life is not only right for you – it is your destiny and a significant step in you evolving as a person.
Do not go hot and cold with your intention because it may be taking longer than you expect, or you feel down one day and lose faith in yourself. Be focused, single minded – “I am now attracting into my life the right person for me” – make this your mantra. There is someone out there looking for you.
You can also write an Intention Statement which is a description of the right person. I usually start my intention statement with “I am now attracting into my life the right person for me who has the following characteristics…
Then list the characteristics which includes:
- Age, sex, physical appearance – he/she is healthy, more than 170cms tall, physically fit, etc.
- Personal characteristics – generous, kind, loving, supportive, emotionally stable, non attached, has good relationships with ex-partners, etc.
- Likes/dislikes – likes bushwalking, surfing, reading, going to movies, cooking, etc.
- How we relate – he/she loves me and I love him/her, passionate, sexy, he/she loves having sex with me and I love having sex with him/her. We communicate easily and naturally and have the ability to resolve problems amicably. He/she is my best friend.
- Financial situation – he/she is financially stable, has a job, paying off his/her home, generous, smart/careful with money.
- Values – family comes first, is career orientated, open minded, is committed to learning and growing.
2. Value Yourself
If you don’t value yourself no one else will value you.
Like attracts like, the same type of people connect with each other. If you don’t believe in yourself then you will attract someone who doesn’t believe in themself.
Start working with affirmations. Below are listed two that may work for you. Affirmations require constant repetition, at least seven times per day for 14 days.
1. “I am a beautiful, sexy desirable woman” or “I am a powerful, sexy desirable man.”
2. “I respect and approve of myself just the way I am.”
Be yourself, if the other person can’t accept you as you are, then they are not the right person for you.
Value yourself enough to go for what you really want.
Ask for what you want. Be clear on your agreements. When I was single I would often date women for only a few weeks. I was always clear in letting them know that it was only for this time and if it worked for them then we would date. Sometimes she would not want to do that and it was OK for me, but often we would date and it was fun and I learned a lot about myself and gained confidence and experience with women. This helped me to value myself and grow to where I could find the person who was right for me and who I was right for.
High need, low power. Be prepared to let go of a situation or person that is not working for you. Trust that someone better will come along. There is no scarcity of potential partners, it is only limited thinking and fear that blinkers our perception and has us think we can’t find the right person.
3. Go For It
Step out of your comfort zone.
Try something different. You may go out with someone you don’t think is your type. Ask someone out even if you “don’t do that sort of thing”.
Be prepared to take a risk. Also understand that you may have to go out with several people before you find the right one. The benefit in going out with different people is that you are learning and gaining confidence.
If you are interested in someone then smile and make eye contact.
Handle your fear – take deep breaths through the nose. Work out an affirmation and keep saying it to yourself, to help you through situations of self doubt. eg I am beautiful and desirable or I am powerful and desirable.
Be prepared to play the numbers game.
The right person for you is out there and they want to meet you. You don’t have to go out to bars and clubs every Friday and Saturday night hoping to meet them. Stay open to the right person coming into your life even if it is taking more time than you expected. The most likely opportunity will occur in situations where you share common values and interests, i.e. through a friend, work, school, club or someone living locally. The internet is also another way of connecting, but be clear on what you want, so you don’t waste a lot of time meeting the wrong type of person and become discouraged.
The most common ways of meeting the right person are:
- Geography you live close or come from the same background and area
- Common Interest – sport, hobbies, theatre
- Friends/Family – parties, weddings, introductions
4. Take It Slow – Is It Love Or Lust
When you think you have met the right person and think you are in love with them, do not declare undying love and move in together. First you need to work out is it love or is it lust. Have you both passed the lust test. The lust test says that if you still feel just as strongly towards that person after three months of having sex together and have safely passed through an upset with each other, then it’s probably love. We are often in love with the idea of being in love and have such a need for the right person that it is easy to jump into a relationship too soon. If it is the right person then waiting another six to twelve months before you move in together wont really make much difference.
The next potential danger is that as the relationship progresses and the intimacy grows, family patterns and issues of self worth can arise. By taking it slow you allow your individual personalities to adjust to each other. Rushing into living together can create a pressure house of tension and frustration. The longer you prolong the honeymoon period the more goodwill is created which can sustain both of you through times of stress.
5. Acceptance Of The Other Person As They Are
You can go into a relationship thinking that the other person will get better or that you can improve them. Hopefully you both will grow and mature as your relationship develops, but going into a relationship with the expectation they will eventually change is not wise. They may not want to change or they interpret your desire for them to change as manipulation.
The other person has to be perfect for you just the way they are right now. If that is not the case then who are you in love with? Is it your image of what the other person can be or is it the person as they are with all their strengths and weaknesses?
A definition of love is granting beingness, it means to accept the other person as they are without wanting them to be different. As soon as you accept someone as they are, often paradoxically they change because something lets go within them.
6. You are Responsible for your Feelings
The single greatest gift you can give to your partner is not to make them responsible for your happiness or for your unhappiness. This person is your friend, they are not your therapist or parent. Their behaviour may sometimes be unthinking or ignorant but they are not responsible for any upset you may be feeling from their behaviour.
The most common reason that long term relationships break up is because of the blame and resentment that builds up over time from the unfulfilled expectations that partners place on each other. What you can’t accept in your partner is something you can’t accept in yourself. Withdraw your emotional and psychological projection from your partner, otherwise you run the risk of eroding the goodwill and love that nurtures the relationship.
7. When To Compromise and When not to Compromise
The general rule is to never compromise on principle and to always compromise on detail. The difficulty is to know what is principle and what is detail, as it differs for different people. For one person having children may be a detail while for the other it’s a principle and something that defines who they are and therefore they should never compromise by giving up their right to have children.
There are three universal principles and the difference between a principle and detail is something you have to work out for yourself, usually from trial and error.
The universal principles are:
1. Never lie, or be with someone who deliberately lies.
You will be living in an environment where the ethical and material foundations of your life become unstable. You lose trust, love, patience and the level of anxiety, worry and fear increases. It becomes worse the longer it goes on.
2. Always keep agreements.
Agreements can change but adequate notification of the intended change has to be given. Whether stated or implied, agreements give certainty and stability to a relationship. The effects of broken agreements are the same as lying.
3. The love must be real and equal.
If you are in a long term relationship and don’t love that person then the joy in your life will diminish. In time you will either shut off a part of your intimate emotional self and the fun diminishes or there will be a continuous undercurrent of resentment.
Equally important is that the other person loves you and is committed to you as much as you love and are committed to them. If the other person is not as loving and committed as you are, then you have to seriously question your motives for being in the relationship.
8. Create Personal Rituals
Have pet names for each other, celebrate special occasions eg the first time you met, first time you had sex together, a special song, special place, special gift, birthdays. All of these things build and reinforce the relationship and create a unique shared experience together. You could spend Saturday mornings going for a walk and having breakfast together.
Recommit to your relationship, if you have been together for many years you may decide to have a simple private ceremony where you recommit to your wedding vows and have a second/third/fourth/etc honeymoon.
Remember there is someone out there looking for you just as much as you are looking for them.
Warmest regards, Michael.